Breakup

Not change is hard, change is harder

Today was my first day back at work after taking three weeks off for my thyroidectomy. As I got ready for work today, I had that feeling you have when you’ve spent an amazing weekend with a new romantic partner, and the weekend is coming to a close. Except in this case, the romantic partner was me.

It felt bittersweet. I felt warmth across my chest and face as I prepared my morning coffee. During my time off, I had so many insights into myself and how I want to live my life. I was inspired. I was looking at the world completely differently. Thoughts were emerging so slowly that I could look at them all and investigate and change them. Change my thoughts, change my future, rewrite my programming.

But like dissonant minor chords playing against a cheery scene in a horror film, I had a sneaking suspicion which I kept trying to suppress into the background. What if I go back to work and all the responsibilities reset me back to the preoccupied person who works all the time? I didn’t want to lose that lightness and that bliss that I felt.

While I was on break, I realized that without work, I had exponentially fewer things to worry about. Helping other people take care of their problems is literally my job, but when I was off it felt like the number of things I had to think about decreased by 10-20x. I am grateful for my job and the skills I have, but can there really be any exchange that makes taking on this burden worth it?

The Return

Immediately upon return to work today I was greeted with so much warmth. I was showered with hugs and miss yous. I do work with great people and they are always so appreciative of me. I feel valued. I was happy to see my patients too. I am always excited to talk to them and curious about their issues. I love that I know them. What do I really have an issue with? I don’t get the ‘Sunday Scaries’ or ‘Morning Dread’. Maybe it’s because I am always working anyway, but I don’t mind actually coming to work.

I know the problem. It is that I am always working. It is not something unique to my current workplace. My last workplace was much worse. That is just how medicine is these days. I know things will have to change eventually because people will get fed up, but I’m not sure if I’m willing to stay for the journey.

Thanks to my awesome scheduler, my day was strategically light, and, though I did not request this, I am grateful. A welcome-back present. With fewer patients and many charts completed, I could see how this job could be doable. However, after being part of an initiative to increase productivity at my previous company, I know that dreams of 30-minute appointments and increased administration time are delusional. Even the cushiest companies are trying to churn out more patients per hour and I know my place in these efforts.

“Never leave again” a coworker laughs brightly and I hear those foreshadowing dissonant minor chords again and I let out a nervous giggle. This won’t be easy.