How I have been working with the Ego
Don't kill your dragon. Retrain her
I’ve been into spirituality for a long time, and across various practices, I’ve repeatedly encountered discussions about the ego and its toxic traits. The ego judges others, judges ourselves, holds grudges, and fuels hate. The ego is the cause of our suffering, and it is what separates us from the divine love and peace that is available in every moment.
With such negative qualities, my instinct was to view the ego as something to destroy. But recently, I’ve been exploring a different take.
Without the Ego, Everything is One
Without the ego, everything is one—there is no separation. I, my sister, the plants in my home, and even the fruits I eat are all part of a singular love-consciousness. There is a reality where I experience the world like that. Instead of separating out all the waves, I see the entire ocean.
For me, this feels like the truest reality: one infinite ocean rather than countless separate waves. When I sit in this thought, it brings me immense peace and joy. It is, however, a bit dysfunctional for completing everyday material world tasks.
Byron Katie speaks about her enlightenment experience, where even calling herself “I” felt unnatural because it implied separation from all that exists. That wasn’t her truth. She relearned how to use language like “I” to communicate her awakening to others so that they can also find peace.
The Purpose of the Ego
That’s the real purpose of the ego. The ego helps us communicate ideas and concepts to others around us, and it can help us build and create in this material realm while we are in it.
It reminds me of medicine. Yes, it’s true that our body is one being with all its parts and even all the other beings, bacteria, etc., that live within it. With that said, it is useful to separate the body into parts in order to manage and treat diseases. The body is actually a great example because it is constantly in flux and constantly changing, but we still label the parts separately. We call the liver the liver, even though its liver cells are turning over every 200–300 days. Blood by-products processed by the liver travel to the kidneys. We don’t start calling the kidney a liver then.
The truth is that the body is constantly changing and in flux with the parts of itself and the environment/nutrients around the body. It is just like a wave in the ocean. In reality, it is not separate at all, but there is a usefulness in the separate labels we use.
This applies to more mundane aspects of the ego, too. The ego makes judgments and observations: “These types of people tend to prefer these things.” “That facial expression might mean I’ve said something upsetting.” We learn some of these patterns from others, and life experience teaches us the rest. The truth is, none of these separations are actually real; we are constantly in flux. We are calling them waves, but it is the ocean.
When I started looking at the ego like this, like the thing that creates the separation of the oneness, I saw its usefulness. The ego helps me learn new things, build financial wealth, have friends, and remain a member of society. The key is to use the useful designations but to not believe these are actually real. Just like how it is useful to separate different aspects of the body and even the body from the environment, but not to actually forget it is all one.
My Ego Mini-Me
This is how I have been using this realization. I imagine the ego as a mini-me living inside of me. I compliment the ego for pointing out beautiful separations:
“A monarch butterfly in November.” What a beautiful ego observation! How gorgeous! Let’s sit in its beauty.
Or even, “Cindy said her mom isn’t doing well. Let’s remember to check in on Friday.” Great job, ego! A friend’s ego experiencing a difficult time and helping reduce the friend’s ego’s perception of isolation in this situation would be comforting.
On the other hand, when the ego points out separations based on old programming that is no longer relevant, I point that out, and we start the deprogramming process. For example, the ego suspects that a co-worker’s ego may be misinterpreting or judging something I said about my personal life based on the co-worker’s words or facial expressions.
Yes, it is an observation, but I point out to my ego mini-me that this observation is no longer relevant- I am safe, I have financial security, I am loved. I cannot be harmed by another ego’s perception unless I choose to think thoughts about those perceived judgments. I tell my ego “Great observation, ego, but it is a false separation, and we don’t need it anymore”.
In the above scenario, my ego wants to start an attack against the perceived version of another person’s ego. One fake separation going to war with another fake separation. Neither is real. I imagine my ego and me removing the equation that asks me to ‘analyze other people’s behavior for judgments about me’ from our programming.
Though I may train and use my own ego, I have found there is nothing useful in criticizing or commenting on someone else’s ego. Is their ego critical, self-protective, defensive, etc? Who cares? It is not useful. In this way, I am reducing the number of separations to the minimal amount needed to function in a positive direction in this earthly realm. The result? Bliss. Fewer waves, just one big ocean.
